I want your everything, as long as it’s free.  Cause I don’t have any earning potential.  : [

(Also just fyi, I don’t want your ugly.)

People are always asking me: “HOw are you so good with a knife??” And I tell them the truth: lots of dolphin fighting.  Once when a particularly salacious pod kidnapped and enslaved me, I noticed their warlord making total garbage with a technique I had never seen before.  Of course I immediately saw the potential he would never see even as a vampire, and I regurgitated the knife I held in my stomach and shanked my way out of there.  When I set my over-sided brain to the task, I immediately came up with something that has been described alternatively as “rarefied glory” and “moderately dangerous.”  It’s this, this is the thing I built.  BEHOLD>

This is an airplane I made out of tips.

This is another apple.

Stacie commissioned this virgin symbol, the one that we use to note virgin female fruit flies.  There is no symbol for non-virgin females, because when they’re discovered, they’re burnt at the stake!  Eeek!  Seriously though, we smash them or drown them in alcohol.  Cause their spawn is tainted by lame dudes.  It’s also the symbol of Queen Elizabeth the Hackney-eyed, commonly known as A Virgin Queen.  Little known fact: she was actually a virgin.  : [

This scalawag likes his anchors BIG.  And honking.  Just like he likes his collateralized debt obligations.

Let’s have a contest.  Best new submission before the end of May wins a shirt.  Anything you want, you got it.

The Competition:

Cellular Biology, Tammer
Gold fishy, Sarah
Pointer, Kara
Blue Whale, Sarah

Earlier this year, Rob’s brother Eric started machinations to acquire the next piece in my ‘extremely dangerous device’ development cycle. You never know a man’s intentions in a situation like this, so I wasn’t thrilled about letting one of these weapons out of my hands, but he put me in a compromising position. AND SO IT WAS MADE AND GIVEN, forged using the ground amygalda of 200 feral cats. Is it vegan if animal parts are used to make it, even if you don’t eat them? Not that you eat this. It doesn’t contain animal parts itself, but it’s made using some, I mean. So I don’t know. Btw, I’m not even gunna tell you what it does, cause if I did, Eric would immediately be assassinated in its pursuit. And as skeptical as I am of his intentions, the people who would kill him for it are even more unsavory.

Turns out that woman in that story was showing solidarity, not a lesbian.  That’ll teach you to jump to conclusions.  Though as a rock star, you can bang lots of  people more or less at will, so it probably wasn’t the most poignant teaching experience.

Inspired by my otherworldly work on Tishina’s Ghost Killing Triangle, Anand asked me to retreat to my infernal foundry (btw, I’m really glad that everyone knows it’s infernal) and forge this invaluable relic that let’s you walk through one door a week.  Which he will auction to the highest bidder.  What?  You want your own artifact, cause you’re gunna ambush some dolphins and don’t wanna take any chances?  I can help you with that, drop me a line (commissions@tipart.org).

Do you know what gradient this is?  I bet you a firm handshake that you don’t.